"who inspires you?" has the best answer. I laughed out loud. 
An interview with myself.
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 On 07/23/2015 at 09:20 PM by Blake Turner See More From This User » |
Hey guys, new blog. Sorry if there's more spelling or grammar problems than usual, I'm on my iPad because I currently have no space for a pc. That should change in a day or two, but for now I'm sick of not blogging so take my blog in your blog or get blogged. To me blog sounds worse than even the most foul of swear words, but that's okay because it's not representative of sex which is totally the worst thing ever.
Anyway, since I'm a new staff writer for pixlbit, as well as a schizophrenic narcissist, I'm going to interview myself. Because why not?
So Blake, I hear you've been newly appointed a staff writer for this wonderful site. How does that make you feel?
Well Blake, it makes me feel positively jolly. Also, a little bit lazy, since this is month old news and I've not properly contributed to the site yet.
I think the question on all of our minds is why haven't you written anything you lazy bastard?
I have! I wrote an article but it either got lost in editing limbo or my incompetence caused it to get lost in the subatomic regions of the Internet. I would repost it but I think it's just not relevant enough to bother.
That's one thing in a month Blake. Any sane and responsible place would have fired you.
Yes, but pixlbit is anything but sane. And even if it were, I don't have a computer, which makes things difficult, plus things I've already mentioned. Just know that as soon as I have my computer back an article will be up. Provided its content doesn't shock Nick into cardiac arrest.
Fair enough. So what are you playing?
A mixture of things. I'm replaying transistor mainly for the soundtrack. I'm playing God of war 3 remaster because it's July and there's nothing else to fucking play, and I'm playing "dark souls 2 scholar of the we changed all the enemy locations so you'll die in iron keep a bazillion times."
I heard you're also playing spelunky-
But you mentioned it recently in a blog?
Nope, I have no idea what you're on about. Even if I did, I don't want to talk about it, the damage it caused to my iPad, and the shard of glass that ended up in my finger as a result of that games bullshit.
Okay. Well, moving on. Now that we've covered the basic topics, let's get to know the real you. What do you aspire to be?
Well, I don't find it unreasonable to say that I aspire to greatness. I wish to become a Christlike figure who is worshipped all across the globe. I want wars started based on misquotes, I want people to mistreat each other in my name despite me preaching nothing but love. And most importantly, I want to fuck blokes and eventually become a goldfish.
You're aware that Jesus never did any of those things?
Well maybe not the first part, but he definitely fucked a goldfish.
I'm sorry, fucked a goldfish? You stated before that you wished to become one, now you're saying you wish to fuck one?
No, I stated that Jesus fucked a goldfish. I want to be a goldfish so that I can be Jesus being fucked by Jesus. After all, you can't fuck your neighbour if you don't fuck yourself. As a goldfish.
I - i don't even know how to respond to that, so we'll just move along. Let's maybe tackle a controversial topic. What do you think of the whole #gamergate movement?
I think it's bollocks. The simple fact of the matter is that you can't be a gamer and a gate at the same time. Watergate made sense, because water needs to be controlled or else it incites riots and that's how people get shot. And bill gates made sense because fuck ducks, they're assholes.
Well, that certainly is a bunch of words. I guess we'll keep going. With the rise of female gamers, do you think that more stories should cater to that demographic? Should we have more female protagonists?
I don't think it's that simple. I think it's less a case of "we need more female protagonists" and more that we just need to make games more inclusive for everyone. And it is a truth universally acknowledged that everyone likes tits. I think it's only fair to say then that all games should be about tits.
Okay. Who in this industry would you say inspires you the most?
Peter molyneux.
Is that because you like his games or because your answers in interviews are completely facetious?
No it's because I like to think of myself as a sort of British ghandi, and I want to look like it too.
Well. That about wraps us up. If any of you have any questions for Blake to answer in a future blog, please send him an inbox. Blake, do you have anything to say before we leave?
Community season 6 was bullshit, and I think it's time to stop before I can't even watch the first 3 seasons. Also, orphan black is the best thing since enlarged nipples.
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