Getting back on the horse and back into writing.

On 03/21/2013 at 08:02 PM by Caesar

I'd like to start out by saying how happy I was to see how many people commented on my intro blog post. Some of you people I remember or recognize from back over at 1Up, and some of you are altogether new to me (and vice versa). I'm very happy to see an active online community dedicated to talking about games and gaming culture, and I'm glad that we have a second chance at that opportunity since the shutting down/limbo status of the former home of so many users here.

As some of you have seen, I've made a few contributions to the site by leaving feedback on others' blog posts, and I'm glad that some of those comments have also been received positively. Unfortunately, I haven't really had the focus or the "spiritual" energy to do much more beyond that. Without saying too much or dumping my emotional garbage on the other users, I've been experiencing a pretty crippling depression as of late; if you know anyone who's gone through their blue moments, or maybe you have yourself, you know how much it affects and can disrupt everything. For me, my academics have been suffering, and my desires to do other stuff in my free time have taken a back seat to worry, doubt, sleeplessness, and disastrous procrastination in regards to my school work. It's sucked--a lot.

I'm not medicated for this, and I'd rather not be. I'm not going crazy (I mean, I don't think so, and that's matters most, right?), and right now I really am having to get back in the saddle. If you're someone who hasn't gone through a spell or two like this before in life, trust me: it's not nearly as easy as telling yourself to just suck it up. You know things are bad when you can't do anything as passive as making comments online and/or playing video games.

But like I said, I'm not writing this to dump all my personal feelings on an unsuspecting online audience. I'll admit that over at 1Up, I wasn't a huge fan of a lot of the personal blog entries. I didn't hate anyone for posting those things, mind you; I just didn't consider it the best venue for that kind of "intimate" discourse and conversation. On that same token, there's a pretty good chance I might delete this very entry sometime down the line.

And heck, maybe that'll happen sooner than later. Stuff's been rough, but it's picking up a little bit, here and there and whenever it can happen--a day at a time and claiming whatever victories I can. I'm not really seeing a light at the end yet, but if I can at least start climbing out of this hole, I'm at least not being buried more and more. Maybe I even needed just this right here--a brief round of catharcis.

On that note, I'm actually looking forward to and thinking about different topics to handle for my future writings. Some of the 1Up refugees may remember how I was planning on doing a series on gaming piracy; it's definitely on my list. And heck, I've got a number of other things I've been mulling over for a while, such as responses to and reflections on Anita Sarkeesian's series, my observations on many facets of gaming/nerd/internet culture(s), and...well, I'll keep thinking over things, that's for sure, and I'm really looking forward to writing again.

There's a number of reasons - personal and otherwise - why I'm looking forward to getting out of this funk. I mean, outside of the obvious, that is. But I'm definitely excited by the thought of picking up this passion of mine once more, and putting out content that I can be as proud to make and which I enjoy writing as much as you all (hopefully!) enjoy reading.

Just a day at a time, folks.

asrealasitgets

03/21/2013 at 10:00 PM

Just don't play horror games. They will make your depression worse. Play a fun game like Mario.

Caesar

03/23/2013 at 01:45 AM

Horror games never depressed me! However, they did scare me and definitely ended up frustrating me at some points.

Travis Hawks Senior Editor

03/21/2013 at 10:30 PM

Sorry to hear you're having some rough times. This too shall pass... and when it does, we get to read cool stuff that you're going to write!

03/23/2013 at 01:47 AM

Indeed, and it'll definitely be something much cooler (and more thoughtful) than another blog with the premise of "YA KNOW, BEING A MALE GAMER IS PRETTY HARD TOO. DID YOU FEMINAZIS EVER CONSIDER THAT?!?!?!"

03/24/2013 at 10:36 AM

But it's true. I've been living as a dudebro for years all because of teh games.

leeradical42

03/21/2013 at 11:40 PM

Dont feel like your the only one im going through simular depression things what matters most is you so take care of yourself and we expect some cool stuff from ya soon

03/23/2013 at 08:46 PM

Thanks man! I'm making some progress, little things here and there. But hopefully getting back into writing helps that healing process along wherever and however possible.

Super Step Contributing Writer

03/22/2013 at 05:05 AM

While medication isn't the answer to everything, if you're able, it's never a bad thing to see a psychiatrist when you feel like this, and it sounds like you're in college (maybe?), which might provide free counseling services.

In any case, I second what everyone else has said, look forward to your stuff.

03/23/2013 at 08:44 PM

I don't know why I've been so hesitant to talk to the campus counselors. But I am sort of stubborn, and I have this dumb tendency of telling myself I can fix these problems alone. Oh well. :|

Ranger1

03/22/2013 at 08:24 AM

Been there, done that. The biggest thing to put you on the road to recovery is what you've already done: identify the problem. Doesn't hurt to have someone to talk to, either.

03/23/2013 at 08:43 PM

Yeah...I think one of the biggest obstacles I've faced this semester is just a lack of motivation for anything. I've had some fears and doubts about the future on the whole, and that's been a huge hurdle for me to try and overcome. Some days it's better, some day I regress pretty hard. I have a few people I talk to personally about it, but as far as putting up those feelings on the web, I think this is about as far as I'll go, but it still felt pretty good to just get this off my chest; really, it was a kind of cathartic expression.

mothman

03/22/2013 at 07:18 PM

We're here for you Caesar and many of us, myself included have been there. A community like we have can be extremely helpful. We don't judge and we'll help wherever we can.

I look forward to reading whatever you have. Bring it on.

03/23/2013 at 08:40 PM

Much appreciated! By all means, though, feel free to judge my writing. Nobody becomes a better writer by being told that anything/everything they put out is great!

As for judging my personal life, well, I'll probably keep that off of the site as much as possible.

03/23/2013 at 09:31 PM

Man I love to blog and mis spell quote wrong etc so dont worry about your blogs here, we are like a family here we discuss everything not just our favorite hobby, but most of us have known one another for many many years on 1up and we all like to listen and help,so never feel ashamed or bad about your feelings or blogs, we accept you for you,and we will offer advice if we can, and the one thing that I really love about these guys and girls on here is there kind opiniated and love to listen.

smartcelt

03/23/2013 at 11:59 PM

I have a friend who is feeling much like you. He has really withdrawn from interacting with most people. Depression is something we have all dealt with at some point. Anyone who denies it is usually a liar or a fool. What is hard for some to grasp is that it can disable a person,making it hard to do the simplest communication. Just don't let it take you so far away you can't reach for help. Many other people going through it that might help.

PixlBit

Getting back on the horse and back into writing.

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