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The Bi-Millennial Update on Blake


On 06/01/2016 at 02:01 PM by Blake Turner

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 Hi. I'm Blake. You know me, I'm that guy who used to post here who never does anymore because he's just the worst kind of person. A real shitlord if you ask me. Someone should totally massage his bollocks with honey and unleash the ants on that rectum enfused cunt.

 My personal fetishes aside, I've been up to a lot lately. And by a lot I mean not very much. And by not very much, I mean the amount of activities I've been partaking in are less than the amount of sense having Donald Trump as president or even having that fucker alive in 2016. I would have thought someone with such alarming idiocy would have accidentally run himself over by now.

 Anyway... things I have been doing. I got death threats on IGN again, this time for disagreeing with peoples opinion. I disliked the last episode of Game of Thrones (the hodor one), but seeing as how the end was good everyone forgot how fucking amateur the rest was. "Yay, explosions, we can forget that the dialogue, pacing, and even fucking music is really awful in a show that usually excels in that shit." It's almost like the director said "fuck the plot, here's a twist," which makes sense since the director was also a lead director of Lost.

 Anyway, the point is that IGN gave it a 9.5 whereas I would have given it a 5.5 and I got my IP address tracked and people threatened to kill me. Then my comment got deleted, presumably to stop the clusterfuck of 14 year olds trying to murder me for insulting their wank machine. Oh well.

 I'm also playing DOOM and I don't know what to think. It's been getting a ton of love, and not just from people who usually like this sort of thing. People keep calling it a revolution, which is odd since they've been giving 7's to similar games for years.

 And while this is a good game, I don't think it's really a Doom game. It's more like Halo and Painkiller fucked than anything, which is cool, but ID could have named it literally anything else. I do like how after you kill everything in an area you do some Metroid Prime style exploration for secrets. It's somewhat nice in terms of pacing. I do hate the amount of jumping there is though.

 I'm also playing this on PS4 and can't wait to upgrade my pc to play it, as playing this game on a controller is wrong and I feel ashamed of myself - and I don't even feel ashamed when I rub my bollocks in honey and cover it in ants.

 

 Something is seriously wrong though. I think I must be sick or something, because I enjoyed an Uncharted game more than a Doom game. And I enjoyed it more than Casey did. Not that that means anything, mind you. Casey doesn't like The Witcher 3, so his opinion on everything is actually invalid and you should continue pointing that out in the comments to every one of his reviews. Starting with his review for Uncharted 4, which is objectively wrong because I say so.

 This isn't as good as 2, but it's a metric cuntton better than the rest of the series. The combat is the best it's ever been, with  a nice mix of stealth, platforming, and shooting that doesn't feel limper than my dick when ants and/or honey aren't present.

 The story is kinda shit but so is every other game in the series, and the character moments are nice so eh.

I'm sure there's more to talk about but I'm sick of writing and hope you all contract Lou Gehrig's disease.

 -Blake out.



 

Comments

Matt Snee Staff Writer

06/01/2016 at 03:18 PM

it's pretty tough to run yourself over.  But Trump could do it!

Blake Turner Staff Writer

06/01/2016 at 03:59 PM

He could! Although maybe the reason he hasn't done so already is that he has tiny fingers...

Nicoleb1989

06/01/2016 at 04:09 PM

Ive been enjoying Doom, I suck horriably but I am having fun playing. Im not a GOT fan*havent watched a single episode* but regardless that shit is ridiclous. I dont understand why people result to that shit when people dont agree with them or things dont go the way they want.

I wonder how many times Casey has dreamed of murdering you,lol!

Casey Curran Staff Writer

06/01/2016 at 04:49 PM

Let's just say my dreams involving Blake most resemble an Itchy and Scratchy cartoon

Blake Turner Staff Writer

06/01/2016 at 04:58 PM

Firstly, remedy that. It's a great show and the first 4 seasons are near flawless. And I don't know either. It's a fucking tv show, shit aint worth murdering people over, or even threatening it.

Casey Curran Staff Writer

06/01/2016 at 04:50 PM

You know I actually do like The Witcher 3, I just think giving it GOTY is like a girl giving you anything other than a pity fuck

Blake Turner Staff Writer

06/01/2016 at 04:57 PM

It's not GOTY for me either, but that's only because 2015 was a ridiculously good year for video games. It's in the top 3 though.

 And yeah. Bilby has pity relationshiped me for the past 2 and a half years, I'm that pathetic. Or maybe she's just really into ants?

Casey Curran Staff Writer

06/01/2016 at 05:27 PM

I think it being a contender is a stretch though and I felt 2015 was a horribly mediocre year for games.

Blake Turner Staff Writer

06/01/2016 at 06:56 PM

Wait, what? MGSV, Bloodborne, The Witcher 3, Undertale, Fallout 4, Life is Strange, Rise of the Tomb Raider, Splatoon, Her Story, Rocket League, Soma, Mario Maker, Until Dawn, Ori and the Blind Forest, Pillars of Eternity, Cities Skylines, Downwell and Invisible Inc say otherwise, not to mention the countless games I'm sure I'm forgetting.

Casey Curran Staff Writer

06/01/2016 at 09:17 PM

Those are mostly good games but with all of them except Undertale, RotTR, and Splatoon I felt something was holding them back. Like ten years from now there will be very few games from 2015 I want to replay, especially compared to 2013 or 2007

Blake Turner Staff Writer

06/02/2016 at 09:44 PM

What even came out in 2013? Im serious, brothers? GtA 5? A good ass creed? Thats literally all i can think of. I know ill play the witcher 3 and bloodborne in 10 years, as i think theyre actually legitimate classics. Im replaying the witcher 3 now in fact.

Casey Curran Staff Writer

06/02/2016 at 10:40 PM

Bloodborne is one of two exceptions to that. As for 2013: The Last of Us, Rayman Legends, Zelda: LBW, Pokemon XY, Mario 3D World, Metal Gear Rising, Phoenix Wright Dual Destinies, Sly 4, Tearaway, Saints Row 4. And that's just the stuff I liked more than anything from 2015.

Blake Turner Staff Writer

06/02/2016 at 11:16 PM

So nintendo had a good year. That explains why i didnt care for that year. The last of us is a genuine classic, but nothing else there really approaches my favourites from 2015.

Casey Curran Staff Writer

06/03/2016 at 04:29 AM

Metal Gear Rising, Sly 4, Tearaway, and Rayman Legends don't? Dude.....

Blake Turner Staff Writer

06/03/2016 at 08:40 PM

Good games, not as good as the witcher 3, mgsv, bloodborne, undertale, or until dawn, with the first 3 of those going into my top 50 of all time. Seriously, replaying the witcher 3 it might break my top 15.

asrealasitgets

06/03/2016 at 11:42 PM

Are you a Hitman fan at all? I feel like I'm missing out on something since its getting praised yet ignored mostly. I've never played a Hitman game before. 

Casey Curran Staff Writer

06/04/2016 at 11:42 AM

All those from 2013 definitely go in my top 50. Witcher 3 meanwhile belongs in my top 15 overrated games ever

Blake Turner Staff Writer

06/04/2016 at 07:24 PM

I feel the same about Saints Row 4 and 99.99% of Zelda games. To each their own. I think The Witcher series has some of the best writing in video games, and to back it up the gameplay is pretty spectacular. Flawed as fuck, but pretty damn good. Almost every game you mentioned that came out in 2013 I feel varying degrees of meh to. Most of my top 10 that year I was pretty indifferent to, and I apart from the The Last of Us, and Path of Exile. I haven't replayed any.

 Already I've replayed Bloodborne like 20 times. I'm replaying The Witcher 3 and enjoying it more than the first time (even reading the books and got the physical Gwent set), plus I've replayed MGSV because that is a systemically mindblowing game. I plan on playing Undertale again as soon as my emotions recover from my last playthrough, and I'm still playing Rocket League and the occasional game of Splatoon.

 Honestly, it seems like a taste thing at the moment. I'm an rpg guy. I like fantasy. I like Souls games. I'm not a huge fan of most of the games you listed. Just preference is all. Mind you, my tastes are objectively better as I'm enlightened in the ongoing church of awesome, but your tastes - as flawed though they may be child - are  yours to bear. Enjoy your shitty video games you pleb.

Casey Curran Staff Writer

06/05/2016 at 12:52 AM

I would never say TW3's gameplay is spectacular with how slow the leveling is, how poor the areas are designed for combat, and how poorly scaled enemies are. The story has amazing ideas and ambition, but giving Gerald moral choices works out horribly. His stoicism means that the one interesting thing about his character is his morality, which the (admittedly great) moral dilemas take away from him. It's like putting gravy on chocolate cake, both work fine, but shouldn't be together. So it's very hard for me to get invested in a story when the main character bores me as much as he did. Because he's a character, not a template like a Bioware or Bethesda character, just not one well suited for a WRPG.

2015 really is the year of compromise for me. TW3, Splatoon, and Bloodborne aside, everything had some BS tacked onto it. MGSV wasn't finished, Batman, Evolve, and SW Battlefront had outrageous season passes, Halo 5 had its BS microtransactions, and Fallout was one step forward, two steps back along with a BS season pass. It could have been an amazing year, but publishers decided making a quick buck was more important than creating a game that can stand the test of time. 

With the exception of SR4, everything I mentioned was a full, complete game and if it had DLC, it complemented the main game rather than filled in some cracks. 

Also Stanley Parable was 2013. Which is objectively better than anything from 2015 save Bloodborne and RotTR.

Blake Turner Staff Writer

06/05/2016 at 02:53 AM

Disagree. The choices generally fit with this version of geralt, apart from a few areas in novigrad combat is fine, (so, maybe a 10th of the game), leveling is far from slow and is barely necessary as story is the main thing kweping you going not levels. I think you need to replay the game honestly.

 Sure there was some bullshit this year, but i still prefer the games this year. And there was plenty of bullshit in 2013 as well.

 And no, stanley paravle isnt better. Its pretty spectacular but far from flawless.

Casey Curran Staff Writer

06/05/2016 at 10:08 AM

I have absolutely zero desire of ever returning to TW3. It was a good game, but once was more than enough, the game already felt too bloated and Novigrad is too much torture for me.

And 2013 had BS but it wasn't as bad as 2015's. That year it felt almost every big game had some BS attached. Or at least games with more potential than the ones 2013 had, which made it all the more disappointing 

Blake Turner Staff Writer

06/05/2016 at 04:45 PM

I said the same about Mass Effect. Look where we are now. And The Witcher 3 is better than the entire Mass Effect series in my opinion.

 As for shit that happened in 2013: Um... Sim City launch was far worse than anything that came out last year, there was a bunch of bs with the new consoles (xbone in particular), Kickstarter BS happened then. And then there was all the bullshit that happened in 2014. Considering what 2012, 2013, and 2014 were I think 2015 was a fucking fantastic year.

Casey Curran Staff Writer

06/05/2016 at 06:36 PM

Okay, you were hating on Mass Effect with a bias against it at the time and you know it. I went into TW3 and have absolutely no desire to return to it. I have too little free time to return to a game that long which I just liked alright. 

Sim City was awful, but the XB1 was fixed before release. Neither is as big a missed opportunity as MGSV which could have been a timeless classic had Konami not compromised it. Kickstarter btw wasn't that bad in 2013, 2014 was where it hit it's real BS. 

And let's say for the sake of argument I said 2001 or 2004 instead. There's no leg to stand on now because all of 2015s BS and compromises are still there no comparisons. I feel it was just barely an improvement over 2014 which was a bad year

Blake Turner Staff Writer

06/05/2016 at 07:20 PM

Ok. Compared to 2004 which has a ludicrous amount of masterpieces come out is a bit daft. I'm saying it was a good year, not a fantastic game. And espeically compared to the year before which was straight up dogshit. 2014 was a terrible year for games. 2015 had some bs, but unlike 2014, 2015 had a ton of good games in it.

 How did I go into Mass Effect with a bias? I went into it the same way as any other and disliked it because I put the minor flaws above all of the actual good points of the game, which sounds a lot like what you're doing with The Witcher 3.

Ranger1

06/01/2016 at 06:04 PM

And there is the reason I don't bother with IGN. Too many rabid fanboys with too much time on their hands.

As always, an entertaining read.

Blake Turner Staff Writer

06/01/2016 at 06:57 PM

Thanks!

 You're right. It's a shitty shitsville for shitheads. Shit.

Ranger1

06/01/2016 at 07:57 PM

I find the fact that someone went to all that work to send you a death threat over something so trivial qute disturbing, to be honest.

Blake Turner Staff Writer

06/01/2016 at 08:14 PM

Somewhat. I feel like they're more than likely 14, super socially awkward, and mostly harmless.They may not, but I also live in Australia so if they do put the effort into following through on their threats I feel like they earnt it xD

Ranger1

06/01/2016 at 08:55 PM

Introduce them to a blue-ringed octopus if they show up, lol.

Ranger1

06/01/2016 at 08:58 PM

And this song always makes me think of you, for some reason: 

KnightDriver

06/06/2016 at 02:20 AM

LoL!

transmet2033

06/02/2016 at 10:37 AM

I fell out of Uncharted after 2.  I wanted to play 3, but my PS3 died right around the time that I was going to pick it up.  Since then, I have wanted to go back and play them all, but I haven't willed myself to.  

I am still excited about DOOM because it just sounds like a game that I would really enjoy.  The only problem is that I have been sucked into Ratchet and Clank.

I don't know why you spend time in the comments of those big site...  actually now that I think about it I do enjoying reading people get pissed off.  Like the PSblog post about No Man's Sky getting delayed had some pretty funny comments.  I just have stopped commenting for fear of being destroyed like I was on some 2DS article on IGN years back.

goaztecs

06/02/2016 at 10:59 AM

I'm impressed IGN is still around. I don't think I've been to their site in a long time. As for Uncharted, I'm waiting for a big price drop. It's not because I don't like the game, but I don't use any of the Multiplayer stuff, and besides there are tons of other games I still need to get to. 

Come to think about that episode of GOT I really don't remember what happened through most of it. 

asrealasitgets

06/02/2016 at 08:29 PM

Death threats for not liking a thing? 

For some reason Doom doesn't look appealing to me. I have more of an urge to replay the originals with mods or maybe Left4Dead 2 or Overwatch. I've never been that into shooters, but the comparison to Metroid Prime raised my interest. I think I told snee to wait for sale. I dont like Uncharted either. I skipped out on the last one and the portable game on vita. I dont hate uncharted, but I think I preferred Tomb Radier old school to the shooty uncharted. 

What are you excited to play this year anyhow? You need to blog more dammit!  

Blake Turner Staff Writer

06/04/2016 at 07:27 PM

Yep, the internet can go fuck itself.

 If you don't like games like Painkiller or Serious Sam, you'll probably not like new Doom, though I like it. I do think my problem is playing a PC shooter on console though.

 Play Uncharted 4. You may enjoy it.

I'm excited to play Dishonored 2, Mirrors Edge, No Man's Sky, and Deus Ex at the moment, but only because right now I can't think of what else is coming out. And yeah I should blog more, but eh. I just can't think of anything to write half the time. Or I start writing, think it's shit, and scrap it. I also do the same with like 90% of my comments.

Casey Curran Staff Writer

06/05/2016 at 07:30 PM

To continue from before for space, you frequently went on blogs at 1up praising ME3 to say it's not an RPG. I know because you did that on mine and threw a tantrum on it when I said I have no issue with you disliking it, just don't be a dick about it (and to your credit later apologized and realized these are just differing opinions). 

And that's the thing: you DISliked Mass Effect. I like The Witcher 3 the same way I liked Skylanders games or DmC. It's fun, has its high points and low points, but I disagree that it should be a GOTY contendor. If you think it should, fine, but that still doesn't change that I have no desire to return to a game. I have no desire to return to many games I enjoyed, including the ones I mentioned. But if people were trashing TW3 the way many do DmC, I would defend it. But as a GOTY contendor, I disagree the same way I do with people saying DmC topped Bayonetta.

KnightDriver

06/06/2016 at 02:27 AM

My goal in Minecraft right now is getting my bow enchanted to shoot fire arrows. I just want to sit on my pretend porch and shoot anything that moves. I think I better quit and pick up Doom. 

I will probably play Uncharted 4 sometime to see the wow graphics and presentation, but the series hasn't really grabbed me, mainly because I like gameplay over presentation. That it reminds me of seeing a bit epic movie, doesn't impress me. It's not better because it approaches movie-like excitement. I want better gunplay in this series. And open that world up a little bit. It's so pretending to not be a linear experience.

Blake Turner Staff Writer

06/06/2016 at 07:05 PM

Uncharted 4 does the things you mentioned. The gunfights are fun and ridiculous and have the option of stealth, and all the combat arenas feel open for you to approach them how you want. It's still linear, but there's multiple paths through areas which makes it feel like you're playing the game as opposed to just following a script.

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