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Blake's E3 Roundup Thus Far
On 06/15/2016 at 03:04 AM by Blake Turner See More From This User » |
So, there's been some E3 stuff, and I'm going to talk about it. If you want a better intro than that, think of some vaguely menacing threat that I'd usually concoct and then follow through with it on yourself.
Rise of the Spartan Tomb Raider
Oh yay, we have a new Tomb Raider game. This one seems set in the past, and HOLY SHIT THAT'S KRATOS!
No, but seriously, what the actual fuck did I just watch? I've heard people saying that this is what will finally get them into God of War. I don't care. Fuck off, we don't want you. Go cry while you cut yourself in a bathtub. This is a series that's all about gore and absolute mindless stupidity. I don't come at you demanding you give mario a chainsaw go ape. I don't come at you saying Lara Croft should be a masked psycho who mass murders people for the sport of it, so don't put emotions in my mass murder simulator. It's that simple.
That said, I'll still play this game. I like The Last of Us as much as the next guy, and The Last of Us with an axe? Sign me up.
Although, could you not name it God of War? Like, add a fucking subtitle or something. God of War: From Trend Setter to Trend Follower. And when you're done making the new subtitle, grab the cunt who suggested turning God of War into a fucking Naughty Dog game and rip his fucking eyes out.
Death Stranding
I want to ask what the fuck a death stranding is, but I know my answer will probably either nanomachines or "she breathes through her skin." Kojima, I'm sure you have English speakers on your team. Has not one of them told you that Death Stranding is the stupidest fucking title for anything since... Metal Gear Solid? I guess this is payback for our shitty metal acts that take random norwegian words and jam them together because they sound cool.
Anyway, this looks awesome. I have no idea what it is, but I'm totally down with a naked hippy dude getting a c-section on a beach. Are BP the bad guys here though? Because I might not be so down on oil spills if they turn babies invisible.
Zelda
Haven't watched the footage. Don't care. Nintendo are dead to me.
Dishonored 2
Wow. The graphics here look exactly like the last game. And it looks terrible. So if it's not running in 60 fps, I am actually going to do something really naughty to Bethesda.
Still looks good though. Looks like Dishonored. Emily is The Darkness, now, and it definitely looks like I'll be playing her as opposed the recently Isaac Clarked Corvo.
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I will talk about more games when I give a fuck. I really only made this blog to criticize God of Bore.
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