People often experience personal crisis throughout different points in life whether it be quarter-life, mid-life, end-of-life, and everything in between. Your career, your love life, who you are, what you are, why you are. For a while I've been living a crisis but haven't been able to admit it to myself. Everybody around me already knows and sees. They want me to succeed and evolve, but I haven't been able to be honest with myself and things won't change until I am. I'm now the person I never thought I'd be when I was growing up: the depressed 24 year old stuck in a rut and frustrated with myself.
When I was a little younger there was nothing that could stop me when I talked about the future. I wanted the American dream with all my heart, I wanted to make a living doing something I loved, and I didn't want to take no for an answer. I didn't want to be stuck filing reports all day, wearing suits, cleaning bathrooms, and live a life where imagination and creation was dead. I grew up reading myths and stories of adventure, rebellion, death, hope, independence, self sufficiency, heroism, and sacrifice. I fell in love with video games that showed me a new medium in which stories could be told and adventures could be had.
When I looked at job listings in newspapers or heard school counselors tell me what I would be good at I couldn't see my life in any of the options. The type of life I want isn't something a counselor, newspaper, or the government could give me. It's something I have to create for myself and go off the beaten path to find.
I'm going to design video games. It's something I've known to be a truth for a while, but I couldn't be honest about it, couldn't be proud of it, something I've been afraid to pursue. If you're reading this, you know the truth, outside of here nobody knows. I feel perfectly comfortable talking about it here because I know the community and I have met a lot of great people who are very supportive of it. I started gaming when I seven, back in the mid nineties. The generation I'm a part of was leaving school right when the whole "It's cool to be a nerd" phenomenon started becoming mainstream, so I missed out on it. For me being a gamer wasn't rad or fashionable. I didn't wear Yoshi backpacks, NES controller belt buckles, show anime and gaming posters like it's MTV Cribs, and flash V-for-victory hand gestures and duck faces while posing for a cute Facebook picture to show people how much I fit in. Nobody but my friends here get to know about my best friend and I spending entire days studying the art in D&D books and trying to draw our own characters and swords. I was a quiet outcast and gaming was something I did in solitude where nobody could judge me or bother me, a place where my brain, imagination, and emotions could be challenged and I didn't have to be suffocated by society, school, bullies, church, family, everything.
My family has always been okay with the fact I like games, but they have never understood why. They are supportive and never make fun of me, but the support is only matched by the lack of intimacy and conversation. It's very business-like. My family is an emotional roller coaster yet nobody talks, controlled chaos always teetering on the edge of collapse. My parents are both accomplished and college educated but there's in-fighting, and a lack of clear leadership and problem solving. My parents don't talk about feelings, they don't take risks, and a lot of their complacency and lack of agency had infected me as I became an adult. I'm very emotionally-intelligent, empathetic, observant, and analytical so seeing all these faults makes me wish I could just fix everybody like a bug. I wish I could gently reach into people's souls and see all the codes making them tick. I wish I could program things to work right, cure their diseases, calm them when they're full of rage, but I can't in real life. I wanted to conquer the world, but once I left high school all these negative traits began strangling that passionate kid who wanted the American dream and nothing less.
As I became an adult I started focusing on what people would expect a man to do, I started trying to do things people would accept socially, and that patriotic kid in me was pushed down. When I was 17 I went into flight school. I flew well, and they were proud, but I wasn't passionate about it no matter how beautiful the world looks from so far up. I had to quit, but instead of choosing something I know I want I again tried to impress others. I went into firefighting training. Again they were proud, and again I did well going to the academy armory to suit up, studying pump hydrological equations, and fire arson analysis, but no matter how great the honor of the field I still wasn't happy. I felt like I was continuously failing everybody who looked to me to lead, to be the role model I am for all the people in our family who are struggling and looking for positive stories. I couldn't finish what I was starting, and I couldn't smile or laugh. I was dying inside.
My family will buy me a game for Christmas or casually ask me if my console is working okay, but they'll never dig deeper than that and I never take the initiative to explain to them how much this medium means to me. How sophisticated and beautiful things are, how much opportunity there is to affect people. About how you can put your heart and soul into a game and turn it into a piece of art, imperfect and beautiful like many people tend to be when you peel their layers back. I have many ideas I never tell because I felt it wouldn't be okay. An array of emotions to put into landscapes and characters. I have personal demons to exorcise, hearts to break, tears to shed, relationships to mend, tundra to hike, seas to sail, and adventures for the mind to set out on.
The most senseless thing about this stupid quarter-life crisis is that I know what I want to do in life. The logical problem solving centers of my brain have already figured out what I need and have made a main-quest list with objectives ready to be executed, but the other part of my brain has been holding me back for too long. There's all the emotional baggage, the shame, the loneliness, and lack of communication, acceptance, understanding, and catharsis. It has paralyzed me thinking that my desire to create games will make people loose faith and pride in me. I want to belong, I need to be part of a team, I need to be understood, I need to create and give, and I need to inspire people and give them something positive to take away into their non-gaming lives. If there's young gamers out there who are growing up conflicted, passionate, and dealing with depression like me, I need to give them games that communicate to them that they aren't as alone as we all feel from time to time. I need to give them universes, let them experience a story, and I need to challenge them in ways that our school system, government, and society never will be brave enough to. The same way my favorite games challenged and stimulated me as a kid.
It's all in my head and I'm so close. I need a simple conversation, an emotional and social breakthrough to set me off and let me know it's all okay. That I can move on from my failures, be free from the paralysis, and be understood. Once I can achieve that, I have no doubts I will finally begin to tear my way out of the rut I'm in. I'm right there on the edge and one half of my brain is like an ecstatic sled dog team waiting for instructions from the musher, and the other half is the somber musher who doesn't have all his shit together quite yet. I need both the dogs and the musher to be on the same page so we can make our way across the harsh and unknown lands as one unit. It's time for me to be honest with myself, and be honest with everybody else. I'm depressed and I don't need to be. I'm suffering but I'm sulking instead of fighting. I don't need to be rich, I don't need to be famous, I just want to make amazing games I can be proud of, and make enough money to live a healthy, independent, and free life. It's time to fight for the dream. I will get to Nome, I have to.
Comments
Jesse Miller
Staff Writer
02/01/2013 at 05:22 PM
We all go through the quarter life crisis - that point where we take that first long hard look at our lives and evaluate our current position in the universe. We're hard on ourselves, because very few people are actually where they thought they would be. I know for a fact that the Jesse I envisioned wasn't the Jesse that I would eventually become.
Truth is, you'll go through this more than once, but so long as you accept who you are and realize that the only person that can really control that is you, you'll be fine. Growing up in the 80's and early 90's (get off my lawn, you whipper snappers!) was difficult for a nerd who loved video games, was fascinated (and still am) with dinosaurs and space exploration, and who would rather play Advanced Dungeons and Dragons with a small group of friends on a Saturday night (actually this was an all day event kind of thing) rather than go to a raucous party.
But you know what? I wouldn’t change a damn thing. I like how I turned out, and those experiences – the good and the bad – shaped me. And with technology today, it’s quite easy to seek out and find like minded individuals. Not having the internet growing up – yes, there was such a time – meant feeling alone and ostracized at times. And I completely understand your family not being into games. My parents refused to buy them for me, and I ended up having to save money and buy even my original NES! But that was okay – they didn’t understand my love for these things, but I could connect on other levels.
You’re at that point in your life when you’re no longer a child, but not really a full blown adult. You’re a dude in flux – and I certainly know how that feels. But remember, it gets better.
Keep calm and game on!
Michael117
02/01/2013 at 06:27 PM
Lol if I was born just a couple years later I literally would've been able to grow up in the yoshi backpack era. My cousin Kaitlyn is in high school right now and she's like that and I look at her with envy at times lol. She gets to be as eccentric as she wants with colored hair, nerd clothes (there's such an industry now, it's weird), and it's all awesome because the majority of the other kids are the same way and those kids who are simply wearing abercrombie and playing sports are suddenly the minority.
Kidding aside I really appreciate the points you made in your comment, the encouragement, and that guidance J-Bone. It's calming, it helps me see the bigger picture, and it's the kind of thing I need.
Joaquim Mira
Media Manager
02/01/2013 at 05:39 PM
"It has paralyzed me thinking that my desire to create games will make people loose faith and pride in me."
Michael I don't know you too well, nor the ones that surround you, but from what I understand you're ready to create your own path. Those that surround you are wanting for you to finally step in to your own path. It's clear from what you wrote here that no matter what you choose to do, they are happy for you, so... what you waiting for? Set. Ready. GO! No matter where it takes you, and you just keep on living.
Michael117
02/01/2013 at 06:34 PM
Thank you Joaquim, we don't know a lot about each other but you definitely understand the situation. What you said makes all the sense in the world and I know it will help. You're right, I'm ready to step out on my own path and those around me are hoping to see me do just that. Thank you for the encouragement :)
Joaquim Mira
Media Manager
02/01/2013 at 06:39 PM
You're welcome.
Travis Hawks
Senior Editor
02/01/2013 at 09:44 PM
This is definitely tough to read for all of us old farts because we've all been there to some degree. Like how I look at kids about to head into middle school and remember how awful that was and how I'd like to do or say something to keep them from all of that hell. But I can't. Same thing's going on here, and I think you recognize that. We all go through these rough patches and most of the time come out for the better. It sounds like you're ready to blast through this down period and make a move that will make you a lot happier on the other side.
It always sounds like you do a lot to work towards your dream, hitting Halo Forge really heavy and tinkering around in Mincecraft. I'm no game developer, but if you can prove yourself using these sorts of tools, I keep hearing that it's a great way to get into the industry. Granted, I normally hear this about mods on the PC, but what you're working on in Halo is basically the same thing.
If you want to show what you've been working on to someone else who "gets" games, I'd love to check your stuff out. I have no career advice or anything to provide, but I can poke around in your creations so that they come to life for someone who didn't help make them. Send me a friend request on Live if you ever want to - if you don't, that's fine too!
Stay strong, Mikey!
Michael117
02/01/2013 at 11:35 PM
Thanks Travis! I always love your comments and writing. I'll definitely send you a request on Live. The stuff I do in Forge and Minecraft really helps me think creatively and it's a lot of fun, but my next goal is to do actual modding like you mentioned. I'm going to save up some money and build a PC, and I'm going to get Steam and start exploring the community and games. A lot of the time you need to buy the specfic games you want to mod and get the kits and tools for them. I've been looking around and learning some second hand knowledge and advice for engines and I really want to check out the Unity3D engine because it's really amazing and I hear it's fairly easy to use. I also want to try some Half Life 2 modding, Skyrim building with the Creation Kit, and Crysis' CryEngine 3. I've heard from experienced level designers that it's preferable to try and focus on getting great with at least one engine like Unreal and not to spend all my time dabbling in everything but I kind of want to try different ones and maybe I'll find out which one I like to use best.
Once I start getting enough comfort and skill with a particular engine I would probably start not only building levels but experimenting with gameplay, characters, environment art, and try to do more than just architecture, flow, combat, and puzzles. There's a lot to learn so I need to dive in and start developing some skills. I want to get good at the basics and do things step by step. The craziest thing about design and trying to learn these things is that there's so much opportunity it's crazy. So many engines, techniques, mechanics, programming languages, and those are all just the tools. Once you get a hang of some tools and can make stuff it's just up to the imagination to build cool stuff. It's kind of overwhelming, but it's a bit of a good thing I guess. You can get overwhelmed with opportunity, tools, paths to take, skills to learn. The tough thing is figuring out what to do first since there's so much.
Travis Hawks
Senior Editor
02/02/2013 at 12:15 PM
Sounds like you've got a good plan. Only unwanted advice I will give is to start small so you don't get overwhelmed. Create a project of reasonable size so you can complete it and feel satisfied. Lots to be learned from small projects!
I've wanted to check out some of those engines too, so I'm curious what you find out. Definitely keep us posted!
P.S. - This might be of interest: http://gamasutra.com/view/feature/182860/suck_at_coding_but_make_games_.php?page=1
Joaquim Mira
Media Manager
02/02/2013 at 08:51 PM
Kotaku (*sigh* I know, just bare with it) had an article similar to Gamasutra's:
Comments