PixlBit

Yes, we start this week off with one of the worst movies ever made

I'm sure many of you are familiar with this mess of a movie. I watched the movie again with an open mind, and I still came away from it with tons of problems. I'm gonna be pretty nitpicky here, so I'll try not to address all 600 problems, but I can't make any promises. 

First of all, this movie was released in 1993; the studio behind it was Hollywood Pictures and Lightmotive/Allied Filmmakers. Cinergi Productions and Nintendo (obviously) were also involved. The movie was directed by Rocky Morton and Annabel Jankel. Mario was played by Bob Hoskins, Luigi by John Leguizamo; Dennis Hopper starred as Bowser, known as Koopa in the film, and Samantha Mathis played Princess Daisy. 

The movie opens up with a narrator explaining that 65 million years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth; but a giant meteor wiped them out (typical evolution stuff). But not all of the dinosaurs were wiped out (okay, so the meteor only hit half the planet?). The remaining dinosaurs lived in a parallel dimension and started evolving into more human-like creatures. 

Now we move up to present day, well, not quite: 20 years ago. A lady runs through the rain and drops some kind of atomic egg at a door and flees. Two nuns open the door and take the device; it's an egg. It begins to break and reveals a human baby (it looks like one at least). That's weird. You've seen nothing yet. 

Next we're introduced to the Mario Bros, two guys living in an apartment together in Brooklyn. They've got their own Mario Bros. van and they drive around doing plumbing. The comraderie between the two is great; however, I can't help but feel that Mario seems more like a father to Luigi than a brother. He often lectures Luigi about this or that and Luigi appears to be much younger than Mario. Later we find out that Mario adopted Luigi, so they're not blood brothers. That's not right! Another problem: Luigi doesn't have a mustache! What's up with that? Another thing I noticed that just doesn't seem right is the fact that for the first part of the movie, Mario wears a green jacket and Luigi wears a red hoodie. That's a good way to confuse children! Mario and Luigi are known by their colors, so get it right please. I told you I would be nitpicky. 

In 2011, Hoskins actually admitted that he wished he had never done the SMB movie

Then we're introduced to a young lady named Daisy. Coincidentally, Luigi falls in love with Daisy, not Mario (Mario does have a girlfriend in the movie, though; a gal with black hair named Daniella). The four go on a date and Daisy tells them how fascinated she is with dinosaur fossils; she also points out that she was adopted. Yes, Daisy was the baby who hatched from the egg at the beginning of the movie (she's half-human, half-dino). She has some kind of rock around her neck (take note, that's important). Because they're plumbers, Daisy asks Mario and Luigi to help with a sewage problem where she's digging. 

This leads to them falling into the Mushroom Kingdom (they actually jump in). Daisy is pulled into a wall and Luigi tries to grab her; instead he yanks off the rock around her neck. Mario and Luigi jump into the wall and find themselves in the Mushroom Kingdom. It's a weird place (even more weird than Brooklyn). Signs all over the place read "Vote for Koopa." Daisy is taken to Koopa. Koopa wants the rock around her neck so he can open a portal and merge the real world with their world; but Luigi has the rock. Koopa orders that the plumbers be found. Now wanted posters with Mario and Luigi's pictures are posted everywhere. 

Y'know, to this point, the movie really hasn't been that bad. But here is where it starts to get terrible. An old lady pulls out a laser gun on Mario and Luigi and try to blast them! Then a big black lady (she's called Big Bertha) zooms in and steals the rock from Luigi! Okay, so why did all of this happen? What's going on? Who knows! Another thing I want to point out is that the "citizens" of the Mushroom Kingdom appear to be humans for the most part, but they're really dinosaurs who look like humans. If they're dinosaurs, make them look like dinosaurs; they couldn't just give everyone koopa heads? 

We get to see some familiar Mario characters (but they don't look familiar). Toad has weird swirly hair and plays guitar; goombas are big guys with broad shoulders but little heads (was it too much to have them walk on the ground?). We later meet Yoshi, a small dinosaur (sadly, Mario never rides him). These side characters could have been done better and should have adhered closer to the original characters. 

Toad...as a 40-year old hippie                   Goomba                                     Yoshi

We finally meet King Koopa, who is set on getting the rock so he can open the portal and. . . yeah, y'know, bad guy stuff. Apparently, Koopa is turning into fungus; I don't know why, they never explain why. He constantly cleans his hands and soaks in mud (whyyyyy?). The Mario Bros. are captured and brought to Koopa. He wants the rock, but Big Bertha has it. The Mario Bros. are able to escape by stealing a cop car. Meanwhile, Daisy is put in a room with five other girls (including Mario's girlfriend, Daniella). Then Lena (Koopa's right hand woman) walks in and calls Daisy "Princess Daisy." Gasp! Could this be true? Daisy soon discovers the truth: when Koopa took over, her mother took her to the other side (Brooklyn) in order to hide her and then she died (I'm assuming Koopa killed her). Daisy is kept prisoner at the top of Koopa's tower (how original); luckily, Yoshi is there to keep her company. 

The Mario Bros. join Koopa's two henchmen (they're not funny, they're annoying) in order to get the rock back from Big Bertha; she works at the Boom Boom Club. This is definitely the worst part of the movie. Mario dances with BB and steals the rock from around her neck; then when the goombas show up, BB helps the Bros. escape. Oh, and this is a night club, y'know, with half-naked women dancing (that's a great thing to be showing kids; "Look, Mommy, Mario goes to night clubs!" Mario's name has been tarnished!). 

                                   Mario, are you really doing this?

And what about the king, Daisy's father? He's been turned into some kind of fungus slime hanging from the ceiling. Don't ask me how this happened; once again, it is never explained. 

Finally, an hour into the movie, Mario and Luigi get their red and green uniforms (from a random locker in one of Koopa's facilities). Now these costumes are pretty good, but they're not overalls, they're just some kind of work uniform. Anyways, now they actually look like the Mario Bros. 

I'm gonna jump to the end here. Mario and Koopa have a face-off on a bridge. Mario pulls out a bob-omb, lights it, and sets it down. It falls into a crack, but keeps walking. Ten minutes later, it walks right underneath Koopa and blows up. That worked out well! Koopa finally changes into an ugly dinosaur; Mario blasts him with a de-evolution gun and he turns to goo and splats on the ground. Suddenly the king turns back to normal (just like in SMB 3)! Don't ask me how. And everyone is happy. 

It's obvious that they planned on making a sequel. At the very end, Daisy bursts into the Bros' apartment: "Mario, Luigi, you gotta help!" Then the credits roll. If that's not a set-up for a sequel, I don't know what is. However, this movie was such a load of crap, nobody wanted a sequel, and it never happened. 

The Mario Bros. with guns? What happened to fire flowers?

Final Thoughts

This movie had a lot of potential, but was disappointing. You never see Mario zip down a pipe; you never see them jump on a bad guy's head; you never see them eat a mushroom and get bigger; you never see Koopa blow fire; you don't see a lot of things that should have been in this movie. 

The final showdown was stupid. Here's how it should have been: Mario and Koopa are on a bridge over lava; Mario leaps over Koopa and pulls the lever on the other side, causing the bridge to crumble and Koopa falls into the lava. Straight from the game. Instead we have Mario blast Koopa with a giant gun. Um, has Mario ever used a gun in any of his games? 

"Oh no. . . is this movie really that crappy?"

I think Mario lore is a little too strange to have in a live action movie. It works for a cartoon, but not a movie. Think about it: they hit floating blocks, stomp on little fungus guys, eat mushrooms to grow big, fly with a racoon tail, fight giant lizards. This stuff is weirder than Tolkien lore or Harry Potter lore. It doesn't work for a live action movie, and they found that out the hard way.

Should you watch this movie? No. It get's a 2 out of 5 from me. If you've seen it, I'm sorry. The whole thing is not terrible, but the few good parts are not good enough to warrant an entire viewing. I love Mario as much as the next guy, but Mario and Luigi don't deserve this kind of treatment. 

Hey, thanks for reading. Check back all week for more VG movies.