5 Ways MS Can Sell Me on the Xbox One

On 06/10/2013 at 01:20 PM by Casey Curran

So the Xbox One E3 conference is just minutes away. Everyone seems to be anti-Xbox One, but I thought I'd write a blog on exactly what it would take for me to get one of these things. So here we go. Things so good I can just ignore the rest of the features I hate about this thing.

Controllers That Give Handjobs

Now, this doesn't mean that I'll accept something that's Kinect level quality if this is a feature. I don't want it just mashing my junk around. No, I want quality handjobs from this thing while I play games. If the Xbox One can do this, it will provide the next level of comfort in gaming.

Include Something to My Dog Live as Long as Me

I know, if we're prolonging life, why wouldn't I want to prolong mine? Well, I gotta be honest, I feel that I'm going to die right before shit hits the fan on this planet in an irreversable way, so I am perfectly content with my life span. My dog on the other hand will not live a fraction of the years I have left and if it included something that would let me spend my entire life with my little buddy, oh, I would so buy an Xbox One. How could I say no to this face?

Knights of the Old Republic 3 Ultimate Collector's Edition

I was first going to just put Knights of the Old Republic 3, but then I realized not even that would get me to buy an Xbox One. There would need to be a collector's edition for it containing the coolest thing possible: A lightsaber. If I can get Kotor 3 and a real lightsaber, yes, I will definitely buy an Xbox One.

Doubles as a Beer Brewery

Yeah, if the Xbox One made beer, I would definitely buy one. But it needs two conditions for this. One: The beer has to be free. I can so see MS using microtransactions to make beer with that thing. Two: It has to be quality beer. Nothing where it somehow tastes worse than Budweiser, I'm talking on the Blue Moon/Stella/Guiness level. That kind of quality.

It Makes The Simpsons Funny Again

Well, the Xbone is obsessed with television. So if I'm going to be sold on that, it has to do God's work: Make the greatest show ever the greatest show ever again. If it made The Simpsons at the quality it used to be at and you could only watch these using Xbox One, yes, I would buy an Xbox One. This seems like the least likely thing to happen on my list though.

jgusw

06/10/2013 at 01:24 PM

KotOR 3 Ultimate Collector's Edition..... I would want it and I would cry if it was only on the XB1.

Matt Snee Staff Writer

06/10/2013 at 02:10 PM

KOTOR 3 Ultimate Collectors Edition would get me to sell my balls for an Xbone. You can accomplish a lot of shit with a real lightsaber.

transmet2033

06/10/2013 at 02:26 PM

Since it is Microsoft, it would probably be a lite adjunct lager... so crap beer.

Blake Turner Staff Writer

06/10/2013 at 04:10 PM

To win me over, they kind of need to throw the heap of shit they have out now and start again. Seriously. The greatest game ever made could come out and be exclusive to the xbone and I still wouldn't buy the fucking thing.

Super Step Contributing Writer

06/10/2013 at 06:07 PM

Honestly, I hate handjobs, so that would just make me hate them more, BUT I actually enjoyed the most recent Simpsons episode I saw, and if they could provide bitch beers (what? they're delicious), I might be down to get one after a couple years and price cutting.

Captain N

06/10/2013 at 06:33 PM

That lightsaber would be cool, though I have a feeling that if the X1 has a subscription and you don't pay, the Lightsaber becomes useless.

BrokenH

06/10/2013 at 06:49 PM

Can anything less than a miracle make The Simpsons funny again?

TripOpt55

06/12/2013 at 12:05 AM

Haha... I missed this blog. I don't recall any of this in the conference unfortunately.

Halochief90

06/12/2013 at 09:30 AM

What's even better is that none of these really have anything to do with gaming. I'm guessing the lightsaber is the major selling point on Kotor 3. We have already established that it has failed as a gaming machine.

NSonic79

07/06/2013 at 10:21 AM

I"d go with Kotor 3 with a lightsaber. But I'd concerned they'd try to use that as a kinect object to use in game.

PixlBit