Over the last few days I began the task of unlocking everything in Mario Kart Wii all over again. You see, a few months ago my infant son gleefully inserted a plastic toy credit card into my *openly weeps* red 25th Anniversary Super Mario Bros. Wii. Trust me, that son of a bitch is in there good. I have since ordered and received in the mail the tri-wing screwdriver that is required to take the Wii apart, I just haven’t gotten around to it yet.

That is neither here nor there, as the Wii U has taken the Wii’s place below the plasma in the basement anyway. Lately my five year daughter has taken a shining to the Wii U, and by extension the Wii. She has already beaten Kirby’s Epic Yarn (which we got her for Christmas) and she can spend hours wandering around NintendoLand. She was introduced to Mario Kart Wii at her babysitters, and when she found out that the game had been under her nose at home this whole time she freaked. This past Saturday we popped it into the Wii U to have some daddy-daughter bonding time of the raddest degree.

I am not sure if many non-Wii U owners know this, but there is a procedure called the Wii Data Transfer in which you move all of your Wii save files (amongst other things) over to your Wii U via SD card. One painfully short sighted flaw with this system is that games which utilize the Wii’s Nintendo Wi-Fi cannot have their save files transfered. This really only effects me personally in two cases: The Last Story (ARGGGGHHHHHHH!!) and Mario Kart Wii.

Being the awesome Dad I am, I need to ensure I provide my daughter’s developing young mind every advantage possible, so since Saturday I have taken it upon myself to go through Mario Kart Wii once again and unlock all the characters and vehicles as to not rob my sweet, sweet angel of the full experience I feel she’s entitled to.

Having played a near-mind numbing amount of Mario Kart over the past two nights, a few gripes about the game have surfaced. Namely, the notoriously unfair Mario Kart A.I.. Like the total scumbag it is, Mario Kart’s A.I. (especially in the Wii version) is never afraid to kick you right in the nuts when you are down. I find this to be especially true in the parts of the game when you have to use the bikes. I swear the humps bringing up the rear get nothing but blue shells, against which there is almost literally zero defence for the first placed racer.

Backing up, the dreaded blue shell (or Spiny Shell as it is officially branded) is an item allotted only to those wallowing in the depths of the ranks; the lowly losers bringing up the rear. I suppose the purpose is to give the moron who justhad to pick Wario and his creepy purple caddy a sense of satisfaction knowing they had some sort of an effect on the outcome of the race. In reality, these turds should be punished for their ignorance of Mario Kart’s game mechanics. Anyway, the blue shell specifically targets the first placed racer for, I suppose, purposes of equality?

Giving the underdog a big fat wrench to throw into the cogs is a nice idea, and I would openly, even happily except the blue shell if that’s all it was. The fact remains, however, that the blue shell is most prominently used strategically by the A.I. controlled racers, certainly not for evening out the playing field as intended.  I can count the number of times I have received a blue shell on one hand, do you know why? Because I don’t suck at Mario Kart. Transversely, I would need an abacus to calculate the number of times I was the victim of a blue shell attack in the 4 hours of Mario Kart I have played since Sunday night.

The computer A.I. should not be allowed such luxuries, as it seems the Mario Kart A.I. in particular can’t help itself and tends to pull these cards out of its sleeve when it is most inconvenient for you, the human player. In earlier Mario Kart games (such as Mario Kart 64, where the blue shell debuted) there were methods in place to guard against blue shell; it could be hit with a red shell, it could not make long jumps and it could get destroyed by a running into a wall. That all changed in the GameCube and Wii iterations. The new generation of the blue shell is infallible. There is one way to escape its wrath, but it requires a mushroom and split second timing. As you may know, you cannot get anything but bananas and trick-item blocks when you are in first place… so good luck.

There were a few times, mostly 150cc Rainbow Road related, when I threw my Wii-mote down in disgust, having had enough- but you know Mario Kart… it keeps pulling me back in.

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