Most of you know that I write reviews on Rotorob Gaming. I enjoy writing for the site, especially when I get a cool game like Stealth, Inc (which you guys should definitely check out. It's great). The thing is though, I don't like our scoring system. Not just that we score more than we should from graphics to controls to gameplay, but we use numbers. And I'm just going to say it, numbers don't work for scoring.
Numbers just give way too different of ideas and there's too many scores to use when judging a game. For instance, our friend Matt Snee here thinks that 5/5 is a perfect score and therefore doesn't use it. While I don't see 5/5 as that, I can't say his interpretation of it is off even though I still use that score for the cream of the crop. That's my issue with them, the decimals give too many scores while the highest has too many interpretations. And don't even get me started on things like "8.9" and "9.3".
The thing is though, I still think scoring games is a good idea. I still prefer something as annoying as a number score to a review without anything just because it is a number. That's not to say I don't think scoreless reviews don't have their place, but it needs to be something like RedLetterMedia's review of the Star Wars prequels where it goes really in depth for it to fit well. For something like "This game just came out" however, I think some kind of score is in order.
So the question is, what would I use to score a game? Well beer of course. Beer is simple, beer is fun, beer is everything good in the world. How would I use beer to measure games you ask? Well it's simple actually:
Examples are using only Mario games because that keeps it simple.
Broken Bottle
Don't bullshit the people at all. If a game is just plain bad with no real entertainment value at all, it goes here. No 2 or 3 implying there may be something good here even though you have to suffer through a lot of bad. A game is seen as universally bad, it gets a broken bottle. Because if I drank a beer that bad, I wouldn't finish it, I'd use that to attack whoever thought it was a good idea to make something this shitty and sell it.
Example: Mario is Missing
Pong
Like the kind you use for beer pong, this is used to signify that a game will not be enjoyed by those looking for something that will wow them. It will be used to get the job done. It's competent, but not rememberable. The point is not for the quality, but to pass the time, like beer pong.
Example: Mario Sports Mix
Drink
This is beer you drink to enjoy the beer. It's not your favoite, but it's a competent beer and one that is still enjoyable. Not everyone will like it because it's not that good, but for the most part, it's enjoyable.
Examples: New Super Mario Bros
Chug
This is the really good stuff. The great stuff. The kind of stuff you take in with excess because it's just that damn good. You finish every last drop, do it with as few interruptions as possible, and enjoy every second then get some more to drink over a longer period of time.
Examples: Paper Mario, Super Mario 3D Land, Super Mario Sunshine
Keg Stand
When a chug just isn't enough. Keg stands are for the best of the best, the kind of thing you obsess over, can't get enough of and have to take in all you can. Keg stands are what you want everything to be. I know keg stands usually involve shitty beer, but for this, let's pretend it's premium shit that's so good you need to take chug to the next level.
Examples: Super Mario World/Bros 3/Galaxy/64
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