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 On 09/22/2013 at 05:51 AM by Blake Turner See More From This User » |
Seriously guys. I'm about to have a baby. I'm scared about where it might come out, but it's coming!
For those of you who are wondering, no I will not allow my baby to play video games. It's a baby. How the fuck do you expect it to hold a controller? When it turns 5 maybe.
No, my parenting plans involve leaving the little shit in front of the tv all day, feeding it soda and junk food, and then beating it into submission whenever those chemicals give it an overdose of energy. Because hey, hitting tiny things that trust me implicitly and can't defend themselves makes me feel like a fucking man! That's what parenting is all about.
When the fucker is old enough, I'm gonna send it to school. I don't really care if it learns anything, I just want it out of my fucking house. Seriously, can't I have any time to myself without that little shit crying? I mean I can only afford one meal a day for the little shit... after I spend the rest on weed, alcohol and porn. I'm giving up cash for that ungrateful shit, the least it could do is NOT FUCKING CRY!
When it turns 14 I'll send it to work to learn life skills... and take all of the money it makes to pay off my debts and fuel my various addictions. I'll discourage it from going to college on some religious grounds I.E. they'll teach you evolution and you'll go to hell... even though the real reason is that I don't have the cash because I spent it at the pokies.
Then when the little shit goes nowhere in life because I took away all of it's oppurtunities, I'll constantly remind it of how pathetic it is, lowering his self esteem and making it even less likely that it will go anywhere.
Raising a child in the greatest country on earth. Isn't it wonderful?
Well I think there are terrible parents everywhere, it's just decidedly more pronounced here stateside I think.
On a semi-related more humerus note, when you said "greatest country on earth" I legit thought you meant Australia for a sec, no offense to you darn Aussies, y'all are too smart to make a big claim like that, in fact no country is the "best" really.
Yeah. Parents here are shit too. I think it's just the contrast in America that makes it so prominent.
I'd say Australia would be in the running for best country ever, maybe like top 5? Definitely top 10 in terms of wealth and luxury. Our minimum wage is much higher than yours, which freaks me out a bit. But eh. America is a great country too. It has a lot of problems, but I'll be damned if it isn't a great country.
your minimum wage is a fair bit higher than most but your living costs are also ridiculously inflated. The plus side of that is whenever you guys go on holiday, you're amazed at how cheap everything is.
Lol true...
Hey remind me if you become a teacher not to send him or her to that school lol!! And yes I think Australia is a good country and America is to I wouldnt necessarily say the best but its up there lol!! And when you said im pregnant I thought your new girlfreind was lol!!! Whew!!! The thought of ait5le Blake is disturbing lol!! ( just kidding )
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Nah. I want to be a Dad one day, just not today. I actually really like kids, and I hate the state of parenting in a lot of areas... hence the article.
A little me would be terrifying. I shall start my own army!
Lol!! yea you woukd make a good dad im just messing with ya and yes the problem with parents these days are the lack of discipline well at least here in the U.S to many times I have seen rotten babies yelling at there parents which is sad cause if my 4 started yelling at me they woukd be grounded so fast they woukd wish they were in jail lol!!
Lol yeah. Lack of discipline and a lack of discussion. Like most of these kids don't know why they're being yelled at most of the time when they are being disciplined because the parents don't bother to discuss things with the children. But eh. Fuck 'em.
And psh, I know not to take anything you say seriously :p
Goddamit Blake. You could've at least told me first!
Also, you are not naming it Lashaundra. Even if it's a girl.
A little you would definitely be terrifying lol. You'd make a good dad though. Me not so much :p
I'm only naming it Lashaundra if it's a boy!
congratulations, man! I wonder where it's going to come out, though.
It will more than likely be a chestburster... we're all fucked!
You're sending him to work way to late. Stick him there at 7, if he's worth a damn he'll be running the place in two weeks....child labor laws are ruining our countries.
I'm sorry Casey, but my kid isn't Swanson material.
Not Swanson material? Wow, you're going to be a worse parent than Mallory Archer.
I think of myself more as a Lucille Bluthe type.
Nah, that gives a chance for that child to actually love you.
As opposed to Archer? That's the wrong kind of mum love.
No, I was talking about Buster and Lucille. Though that is the wrong kind of mom love as well.
Yeah I suppose. Although since I'm now American, maybe I should be Pierce's Dad...
You're having a child? Good luck, brother. 
Yeah you should know with all the little buggers you have :p
At the time of my comment, I'd just found out my 2yr old made a huge mess in the kitchen. 
Bahahaha you poor bastard.
What d'ya mean your not gonna let your infant play video games? You don't need a controller anymore. Just put it in front of an IR devise like Kinect and let it play with Cookie Monster in Once Upon a Monster or an iPad on the floor with some sort of finger paint program.
Sheesh. First thing I'm giving my kid the very second he/she pops out is a GBA Micro. I mean, maybe AS he/she is popping out - can't waste a second with that essential life equipment (man I need to do a drawing of this. The image is so clear in my mind).
Lol. I want a copy of that pic! But nah, I'll let my kids play games, but not to the extent that I do. Also, I'll play games with them as a bonding session, and make sure they get excercise and all that good shit.
Everything in moderations I guess. I just know that I wouldn't be all worried about it like some people I know who are super strict about their kids playing games. Let them play and play with them. That's what I say.
That's how I was raised and as you can see, I turned out just fine! (Cheesy grin)
Lies! You went to college!
Nothing like good ol' satire.
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