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Oh Mario, where did you go wrong?!

We all love Mario, right? He's the face of video games. Everyone knows who he is; we see not only his games at the store, but also toys, posters, and other stuff that has his image. He has starred in the best games ever, and continues to be in incredibly fun and inventive games to this day.

However, there is a dark side to Mario. Gaps! How is that possible? Well, as with anything that is hugely successful, other companies wanted to jump on the Mario bandwagon. As with any kid-friendly character, Mario was taken and put into educational games. Hold on, was this necessary? Weren't there enough educational games around in the early '90s? Did we really need to take gaming's greatest character (I mean, #1!) and demote him to some veeeeery boring educational games????

Well, it happened, folks. Whether you experienced these games as a kid or not, we're going to take a painful look back at Mario's worst games. These are the worst because Mario should not have to be subjected to them; he belongs in platformers, not "preschool fun!" The amount of time invested in these games can also be seen; it's obvious that these companies were in it simply for the gold coins. Ready? Let's 'a go!

I am a Teacher: Super Mario Sweater (1988, Famicom Disk System, Japan only, Developer: Royal Industries Compnay, Publisher: Royal Industries Compnay)

This is a strange one. This game helped you to make a sweater (just what you've always wanted to do!). Using the program, players could design the sweater they want and the company would make it for 2900 yen (in American money, $24). You choose the size, the pattern, and then make adjustments. It's actually pretty confusing (what I've seen atleast). If you think about it, this isn't a game, it's a sweater-making accessory. Nintendo almost got into the knitting business here, but the game didn't sell well in Japan, so it never happened again (thank God!).

Mario Teaches Typing (1991, MS-DOS/1995, PC & Mac, Developer: Interplay, Publisher: Nintendo)

This game is not terrible, and typing is important, right? I actually played this one as a kid. Not too exciting, but it's not atrocious (like some others we'll talk about). Mario must make his way through the level; the level is designed like the original 1-1 level of SMB. Letters are displayed on blocks and koopas, and the bottom of the screen shows which finger to use to type that letter. You can play as Mario, Luigi, or Peach. Also, the music is covered up most the time by annoying bleeps and bloops; if you don't play on mute, you may lose your mind. This was an interesting try, but there were better typing games available at the time.

Super Mario Bros. & Friends: When I Grow Up (1991, PC)

As bad as it sounds, this game is not bad at all. It's a simple coloring game. Players can paint Mario and other Nintendo characters, and even print out the pictures. The pictures are actually pretty good, with over 20 pictures of Mario and friends portraying different occupations. One picture has Peach serving Link at a table and Mario cooking spaghetti. Another shows Mario and Bowser fighting in court and Peach ruling as the Judge. Mario and Luigi in a racecar is another one, and Dr. Mario at his office is another one. The strangest one I saw was Link holding a briefcase that said "Link Travel Agency" (was that in the game, 'cause I totally missed it). Sure, this game is simple, but atleast it's not annoying!

Mario is Missing! (1992, PC/Mac/NES/SNES, Developer: The Software Toolworks, Publisher: The Software Toolworks)

Perhaps you've heard of this one. It's a geography-based game that stars Luigi. Unlike what the cover art suggests, Mario has not been kidnapped, but fell through a hole in the earth. Luigi and Yoshi must team up to find Mario (I mean, he could be anywhere in the world!). Here's the strange part: you have to find artifacts and return them to the right place. Wait, I thought you were supposed to find Mario? Nope, artifacts. By pressing start, you can look at the four main segments of the game: Computer, Globulator, City Map, and Photo Album. At each location, you can talk to five different people (which all look the same in every location) in order to get clues about the artifact or where you're located. There is a lady who looks like Peach who will ask you questions about the artifact once you find it. These are multiple choice questions, and I have no idea how kids (or even adults) would know the answers to some of these questions, but good luck. Suffice to say, this game is pretty boring. It was released on three different systems, and they're all very different. I've heard that the SNES version is the best.

Mario's Time Machine (1993, DOS/NES/SNES, Developer: The Software Toolworks, Publisher: The Software Toolworks)

This is a great idea gone wrong. Bowser somehow has a time machine, and he wants to use it to steal ancient artifacts (artifacts again?). As Mario, you must go to Bowser's castle, grab an artifact he's stolen, and then get to learning history. There's a LOT of reading in this game! First, you have to fill in the blanks about the history of the artifact, and you're given tons of choices. Are kids expected to know these things? This isn't fun, it feels more like homework! After filling in all the blanks correctly, you have to set the time machine to the right place and date. But it gets better: in order to go back in time, Mario surfs on the ocean, collecting mushrooms that are floating on the surface of the big blue. Once you're at the location, you have to find the right person and give him the artifact (Ex: at Cambridge, you find Newton and give him an apple). Mario has saved history! The premise of the game is great, but the presentation is boring and more boring. Apart from the surfing sections, the whole game is reading.

Mario's Early Years! Games (1994, SNES/MS-DOS, Developer: The Software Toolworks, Publisher: Nintendo)

We've come to the worst of the worst. Educational games are usually terrible, but these ones must take the cake. These three games were pumped out so quick that it's obvious that Mario was shoe-horned into three cheap, average, cash-happy games. Mario, Luigi, and Peach appear in these games, and you can choose different islands to go to (such as Counting World, Listening World, and Color World). In Fun with Letters, Mario has to find certain letters or spell something; in Fun with Numbers, Mario has to find numbers or count something (like his shoes); in Preschool Fun, Mario does pretty much the same thing as in the other games. These games have terrible voice samples, boring games which repeat very quickly, and just plain poor quality. I think any preschooler would hate these games! Mario, you deserve better than this!