PixlBit

 Let me start by saying this: Whoever designed the first two hours of this game is going to the special hell. After I kill them in a terribly vicious manner that would make Kratos proud, of course. Preferrably ripping out their eyes using a quick time event, which would be an ironic twist of fate seeing as how this insufferable cunt is so fucking fond of them.

 Suffice to say I didn't like the first two hours of this game. There was less gameplay than Metal Gear Solid, and more quick time events than Resident Evil 6. That combined with the fact that Lara sounds like a teenager trying to fake an orgasm everytime she gets hurt, in a frustratingly annoying British accent, and it's enough to make me want to rip my hair out. Oh, and not to mention that on PC it doesn't tell you what button to press in the QTE's. it just says press exclamation mark, or press foot. THERE IS NO FUCKING FOOT KEY ON MY KEYBOARD! I'm pretty sure the only person on earth who has that is Quinten Tarrantino, and it's a custom hotkey to his porn collection!

After the first one it doesn't even bother to tell you which button to press.

 The worst part of this game for me was when Gropey McRape-Choke went all lusty with me, and I had to mash a combination of foot, exclamtion mark, hand, and gun to get past it, and almost every fucking time I'd forget which key one of them was. By the end of that sequence, I'd seen Lara Croft's being choked to death more times that I'd seen a repeat of The Simpsons, and when I finally shot that fucker in the head, Lara's crying over killing him seemed very disconnected to the euphoria I was feeling. Actually, it seemed out of place with everything, since like 2 minutes later she's pulling off head shots and setting people on fire. I suppose it fits with the overarching narrative, because Lara has always been batshit insane.

 Anyway, just when I was ready to give this game a 2 out of 10 and try and get a refund through steam, the game actually decided it was going to let me play it. And you know what? It was actually kind of good. I mean really good The gameplay was still completely disconnected from the story, and there were a few too many unnecessary cutscenes for my liking, but for the most part I was having a blast. The shooting and platforming were all incredibly satisfying, and I felt compelled to press on. The game has an ominous feel to it as well, and made me feel like I was playing a mix of Uncharted and Resident Evil 4, which is a surprisingly good mix. There's an undercurrent of horror that actually feels threatening, and there are more than a few suspenseful moments. Plus, some of the death animations are legitimately more disturbing than Dead Space's.

 After a while, I even began to start liking Lara. I mean I know I was supposed to like her from the start, but the game gave me no reason to. It showed me a pretty girl I knew nothing about getting repeatedly brutalised and shouted: "CARE ABOUT HER!" It wasn't until I grew with her, and learned more about the character that I stopped being a jaded prick and said: "Lara, we're going to get through this. You can do this! After this, you'll be stealing from third world countries and causing mass extinction to exotic wild life in no time!"

 So to wrap up, the first two hours are some of the worst pieces of shit I've ever had the misfortune of playing. After that however, there is a rich, dark and beautiful experience to be had, and it is actually quite an enjoyable title, especially when the bloody thing let's you play it.