outhouse hunting??
It's amazing, the amount of shuffleware. Like billions and billions of stars.
BaD Wii Review # 3 Amigos: Calvin Tucker's Redneck Jamboree
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 On 02/03/2015 at 04:46 PM by NintendoFanJon See More From This User » |
Day 3: Who the hell is Calvin Tucker? What makes this dumb ass so deserving of his own redneck jamboree? Why he's a fictional character of course. And by Jamboree I mean 12 god awful mini games...well more like 11, but more on that after. I can't believe I'm going to review this game. For your enjoyment, I proudly present to you: Calvin Tucker's Redneck Jamboree....yay...
The events are as follows: Backyard Shooting, Dynamite Fishing, Mower Racing, Outhouse Hunting, Bottle Opening Contest, Toilet Seat Throwing, Cow Roulette, Quick Saw Contest, Let's Barricade, Get Off My Lawn, Jackola Brewer, and Sound Safari.
And this game has a story too. Oh yes you read that right. THIS GAME HAS A STORY!
PLOT: As the story goes, once a year all the families of Redneck County gather together at Calvin Tucker's Redneck Jamboree to put their skills to the test and determine exactly who is the greatest Redneck clan of them all. The grand champions get the privilege of living in "The Big Trailer" for the whole year, where redneck style luxury awaits them and their kin. Now that the absurdity of the plot has set in...let's get to the games one by freaking one.
Backyard Shooting: Pretty simple really. You just shoot everything that moves by pointing the wii remote at the TV. Simple, effective, Link's Crossbow Training did it better.
Dynamite Fishing: It's not as fun as it sounds. You stand on a boat, move a target around the pond with the analog stick, then hold A and whip the remote to throw to that location. I tried to kill myself...unfortunately it didn't work.
Mower Racing: You steer left or right to avoid obstacles and hit animals by flicking the Remote back and forth, but the controls are so unforgiving you spend all of your time crashing.
Outhouse Hunting: This game has you walking from your trailer to the outhouse in pitch black darkness. You can use the Remote as a flashlight to illuminate a tiny circle on the screen, but the flashlight's batteries are weak and you must stop often to shake the Remote to get the flashlight working again. The object is to find the outhouse before the "pee meter" expires. If it expires I can only assume that your redneck pisses themselves....On that thought...what is the point of this? If I'm truly a redneck why am I going through all the trouble? I should just piss out the window or on a nearby tree...or hell this freaking game!
Bottle Opening Contest: You take bottles and open the caps of them with a redneck's teeth. However, be careful as their his unbrushed teeth can fall out. Not that you'll care anyways.
Toilet Seat Throwing: It's basically horseshoes, only not fun. You hold A and move the remote in a throwing motion to throw the seat. The motion doesn't always register, and it's very difficult to judge your shots.
Cow Roulette: This is the technical game that qualifies this to 12. But really this isn't a game. Hell, it's not even winnable. A cow comes out of a barn and wanders around a corral divided into a grid. After about a minute the cow flops down on one of the 16 squares and passes gas. The object of this game is to pick which square the cow will flop down on. Even with four players, 75% of the time no one will win, and your chances of winning are only 6%. So basically I did more math in a game about rednecks, than rednecks do math...and I hate to be offensive, but this game does it enough for me.
Quick Saw Contest: Another simple game. Saw logs as quickly as you can using the remote in a sawing motion.
Let's Barricade: Okay your job is simple, build a barricade to prevent utter destruction of your poor trailer park. Next.
Get Off My Lawn: Not anywhere near as cool or as good as the picture above. Clint Eastwood deserves better than this reference.
Jackola Brewer: Produce as much liquor as possible into your own body...it might help you enjoy this game about brewing the same substance.
Sound Safari: Listen for animal noises and the try and locate where they may be hiding...It's like Where's Waldo...only I want to kill Waldo....in the dining room...with a candlestick.
So here lies the biggest problem with this game. The games are not fun to begin with...however in order to even play the other 6 bad mini games you have to win bottlecaps. This sounds easy enough, however it takes anywhere between 75-150 bottlecaps to do so...and you won't get nearly that amount. This means you will play the same damn boring, terrible games again....and again...and again...until your brain finally shuts off and you die. Cause of death: Exposure to Calvin Tucker's Monotonous Events.
The music consists of terrible redneck banjo themes, the game provides you with redneck facts or jokes worse than Jeff Foxworthy could ever come up with, and even if you somehow managed to find someone dumb enough to play this game...or kidnapped somebody to torture, you have to take turns playing. Mini game 101: Make a freaking game that supports 2 players simultaneously.
Well that does it for this game...What's next on the list?
Oh this must be before Far Cry became good...lucky me.
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