PixlBit

I should start this review off with something: I’ve never played a Dead or Alive game. That said, that doesn’t mean I wasn’t prepared for what was about to hit me over the head but I can’t say that I know characters backgrounds or plot or what have you… and Paradise is definitely not the title for filling in the gaps.

Released on the PSP, Dead or Alive Paradise blatantly screams everything it’s about within the opening sequence: bosoms, butts, babes, and beach… in that order. All you have to do is slap some J-pop music on the mp3 player of your mind and I’m sure you can imagine the gratuitous T&A shots that made the opening sequence.

Sure, after that was a slapped together FMV, where we find two of our initially introduced characters in a submarine, looking for “Zack Island.” Naturally one of the two is Zack, who has chosen a lovely golden bellhop suit with matching Soda Jerk hat, who is naturally ecstatic to have found his sunken island and celebrates by spewing ethnic stereotypes in regards to himself from every pore. His unnamed platinum-haired lady friend, in her futuristic maid outfit, helps Zack (after a hilariously timed Scarface joke) lift the island out of the ocean deep. And then promptly trick into coming invite as many scantily clad girls as possible onto it… in retrospect; it’s a lot like an episode of Cribs.

And then that’s about all you get in ways of plot. When you get to playing, you get to select two of the ten girls to play with. You know, for beach volleyball and… OH YOU PERVERTS. Anyway, these girls are displayed in a dating-sim style line up, showing pictorially their likes, dislikes, nationality, and (of course) dimensions. And you better love who you pick because as far as I can tell, one ends up being the main girl who you’re regularly stuck with (and will have no way of changing) and the other you’re default go-to girl, unless you pick someone else for the sports aspect of the game.

Volleyball is one of really only a few things you can do in this game. The control scheme is fairly minimal for DoA’s move to the PSP and equally unintuitive. A lot of buttons in this game seem to be strongly pressure sensitive, so press too quick or hold too long and you’ll be in a world of hurt. That said, regardless of who is on your team, there’s absolutely no reason to pick one girl over another as they’re all balanced the same in regards to abilities. The only thing worth mentioning is most times when a point is scored (mind you, on either side), the game will cut over to one of the girls expressing her joy, frustration, and bouncing butterballs.

And let’s be frank: EVERYTHING in this game is to get you to experience as much sandbag shaking as you possibly can. Minigame involving you hopping across a pool? Boobies. Evenings going back to your hotel and going to the casino for awhile? Boobies. Buying bikinis gifts for your friends? Boobies. Hanging out poolside to relax? Oh god yes, boobies. In fact, the whole “relax” aspect of the game is solely designed for you to have a voyeur’s view at the gals, taking photos of them all the while which serve no purpose than to fill your memory stick.

The PSP memory stick, you sick perv.

The only part of that that I found remotely entertaining was my apparent innate ability to take photos of the ladies in the most ridiculous of expressions without really trying. But let’s talk about the other mini-games you can play. The casino is a quick and easy way to make some money, so you can buy gifts primarily in the form of bikinis and balls for the other girls. Will those items boost stats? No. They might boost something else for those of you who like this series, but nothing regarding the game play. You do it because, and I quote, “the best way to make friends is with gifts!” Pick something that one of the girls doesn’t like and they might consider not being on your team for volleyball… and honestly, is that so much of a tragedy? You got a half-dozen-plus more to pick from, all virtually identical.

And good lord, that pool-hopping game? Talk about button-sensitivity. It’s almost impossible to play. The longer you press a button, the further you hop and you will almost never hop the distance you command your character to. The game let’s you get out the cheap way and you can press the same button over and over, but you generally rack up more points (money) by pressing whatever key that is represented on the floating buoys. The poker and blackjack are also sub-standard at best, again only being notable for the random moments of cleavage. The majority of the time, you can psyche the computer out by continuously and outrageously raising your betting hand, almost always causing the computer to fold (easily allowing you to rack up the cash to “make friends”). I may have had a more advanced poker game on my Windows 95 computer.

Also, it’s short. The game works on a sort of “day” system, where you do certain events in the daylight hours and then return to your hotel where you ultimately will rest in the evening. The problem arises when everything you can do on the first day you will do, every day of Paradise. And each day flies. I think in one day, I went to the beach shop to see what items were there, played three rounds of volleyball (which also flew by as the computer doesn’t have to press buttons to get the characters to move), and then it was literally twilight. That was all of about fifteen minutes of game play. Now, if I was more skilled at the volleyball aspect of the game, this might have been stretched out. But really, fifteen minutes then back to bed? Most players will find the typical day in Paradise to be similar: play some volleyball or pool hopping, take some photos, go back to the hotel in the evening and receive a gift from Zack (my favorite had to be, I kid you not, the random love cabbage), maybe go to the casino, and then to bed. And one game? Fifteen game-days long. Then you can start over from square one with two different girls.

The graphics are interesting to note. Of course, all of the ladies are heavily slapped on with that patented Dead or Alive jiggle magic, wherein someone tied an invisible string to the middle of their bras and wiggled the other end up, down, and all around whilst flipping the bird to gravity. The FMV sequences and, I suppose to an extent, “relaxing” sequences don’t look too bad but the rest of the gameplay (from casino to volleyball to just generally talking), jump back and forth from the technological superiority of Final Fantasy VIII to dating-sim style. The voice acting is another glorious topic all by itself. While you get the option to play with Japanese audio and the subtitles of your choosing, the English audio is so laughably horrible that it’s kind hasn’t been seen in years. We’re talking mouths moving a full three seconds after they finished speaking kind of bad dubbing.

Did I find the game particularly gratifying? Not at all. I feel that even if I were a fan of the series, I would have a hard time getting into this title, even for a good wank. Dead or Alive Paradise comes off as an incredibly weak title all around, having nothing particularly challenging, new, or really all that entertaining in the long run.