PixlBit

Its manual claims to be a “fantastic action jump 'n' run game” and there is certainly a lot of jumping. The three playable characters, Pixie, Madboy, and a dog, Rex, can be switched to at the press of the C button. Each has specialized, if minimally effective moves that are required to get through levels which do contain considerable amounts of platforming. But it can be more honestly described as a “plat-borer” because The Kore Gang's 30 levels are a near-nonstop string of menial and utterly pointless fetch quests that will bore players of all ages.

Based on its production values, it all appears to be part of an already existing saturday morning cartoon, but it's not. It was originally going to be on the first Xbox (the main antagonists look like the character from Oddworld) and later moved to Wii to more easily prey on those who aren't old enough to know better. It has a dumb story, inane dialogue, cringe-worthy musical numbers, and weirdly shaped, “artsy” environments that have no discernable logic to their design. Maybe it's a lot to ask from a cartoon world to have logic, but none of the levels have any clear layout or organic semblance to them. All 30 were designed to hold pointless trinkets for the player to track down in order to continue through a door to the next location, where the cycle of suffering can begin anew. The back of the box says “You will never tire of 30 levels of thrills, discovery and puzzles” but that is a lie.

Most of the time is spent looking for a switch to punch, or 1 or 2 or 3 “talking buttons” to gather and return to one spot. Madboy punches these in order to activate a door or piece of machinery to open up the next path, then you're usually asked to look for some dumb item or items that a character needs in order to help you continue, such as a stick of gum, a sausage, pieces of a scarecrow(?!), metal bananas... from the second level onward to the very end. Sometimes you're given a break and simply have to make it across some platforms, but those times are rare.

The three characters' differing skills are also needed to progress, like a more boring version of Jet Force Gemini. Pixie, who is the most useful, has a second jump (it's so brief that it's nearly pointless, yet it becomes crucial nonetheless), a hover ballerina dance move (awkwardly performed by continually spinning the remote in a vertical position), and a grapple that can attach to certain orange-colored points. Madboy can punch and toss bombs. The dog Rex can pick locks and can overhear “guards” speaking to each other in the distance.

These abilities and several others are slowly introduced throughout the game, but the only one you'll be hoping to learn is how to incinerate the game disc and save a bit of landfill space (a talent that its publisher Atari knows plenty about). Since you probably don't have a tractor to crush it into a million pieces, stick it in the microwave for about 10 seconds; it'll spark up real nice. It won't destroy it, but it will give off a nice light show to watch for a little while. You can invite some friends.

The levels get progressively bigger, the enemies get more obnoxious, the platforming becomes more precarious, and the grappling becomes more intricate, but it'll never become fun. The game does save your progress very frequently, so there's a bit less backtracking than there could have been.

If that weren't unfun enough, there are half a dozen or so boss fights that were trite eons ago. I can't remember the last time I had to avoid a red lazer and energy balls... probably the late 90s. One fight was more than a little horrifying: as the Gang ran around a life-sized record player, bad violin pluckings emanated from the stage as I attempted to punch weak points along the edge. The monster/antagonist called it his “torture device,” a phrase that should have been printed on the front of the box.

If you want your children to perform menial tasks that are actually beneficial, here are a few you can print out and place in their stockings instead of The Kore Gang:

    Make the bed.
    Clean the living room.
    Dust the mantle
    Alphabetize my movie collection.
    Take the trash out.
    Wash the dishes.
    Bake an apple pie.
    Clean the bathroom mirror.
    Vacuum.
    Mop the kitchen.
    Feed the pets.
    Mow the lawn.
    Trim the hedges.
    Weed whack.
    Rake the leaves.
    Sweep the garage.
    Shovel snow.
    Clear leaves from the storm gutter.
    Bring me the paper.