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Review   

Gummy Bears: The Magic Medallion Review


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On 06/08/2014 at 12:00 PM by Matt Snee

Might be enjoyable if you were high on crack, and weren’t the one playing.
RECOMMENDATION:

For people who enjoy car wrecks, but have become jaded and unable to find an adequately horrible disaster for some time.

This review is part of the 2014 Sh*tty Game Review Fest - read about the event here.

I hope there is a special place in Hell for Nintendo Wii shovelware developers. Gummi Bears, The Magic Medallion alone would win Storm City Games and everyone else involved with it prime oceanfront property at the sea of fire.  With platforming gameplay akin to wading through mud, and graphics similar to a bad Sega Game Gear game, this game, frankly, makes me want to dismantle the developer so they never strike again. 

Someone had to handcraft each one of the crappy 3D models of this game.  Someone had to compose the music.  Someone had to do the coding, and someone had to market it, design the box, manufacture the disc, and ship it out to stores worldwide.  All of this industry, for an inevitably horrible game that only the stupidest kid in the world would enjoy.  Did Storm City make money on this game?  Who knows?   

But let’s examine it a little more closely.  As noted before, it’s a 2.5D platformer but with little of the usual benefits of this technology.  The extent of this design is the world pivoting in another direction at certain points, and also crumbling blocks that fall out of the background with little warning, crushing Gummi Bear and leading to a devilish instant death.  The physics is unbelievably sluggish and imprecise – I’ve seen better controllers in Unity tutorials – punctuated by a double-jump so minuscule and almost irrelevant except for its ability to wrangle frustration out of the most persistent gamer. 

Most of the gameplay is inspired by other platformers: you jump on enemies' heads, you leap over pits and candy spikes, you bounce on Jell-O, ride platforms, and even get shot out of barrels like a certain other platformer that will go unnamed here (these are called “Gummi Cannons”), just to get to a higher platform floating in the air. Sometimes a ladder is used instead. Everything is haphazardly placed.

As you progress, more obstacles rise out of the woodwork, and you’ll have to avoid pistons trying to knock you into pits, and you’ll swing on half-rigid candy ropes, leaping about like Gummi Tarzan.  This is occasionally interrupted by having to find a key to open a door. Other times, a puzzle needs to be put together or a matching card game won. The first few rounds of these have only four pieces, and there's no penalty for wrong answers. Geez, how dumb do they think kids are?

Do not doubt this game has everything you hate: floaty gravity, successes ruined by unexpected instant death, and worse of all, violent Wii-Mote waggling.  This “feature” is used to blow up boulders and raise platforms, among other things, and isn’t entirely intrusive; but even at its release in 2011 it was long past its expiration date.

The difficulty of course escalates as the game goes along, but with the limited control and even less fun, Gummi Bears becomes more of a chore than anything remotely entertaining.  I suppose if it was the only game on Earth, or if it came out on Atari, I’d be quite pleased with it, but in this day and age, with great offerings like Rayman, Donkey Kong, and New Super Mario Bros (and the legions of retro-inspired indie platformers), Gummi Bears is a complete disappointment, if not an artistic crime. 

I knew going into this the game would be bad, but even with my low expectations I was disappointed.  This is indeed nothing but shovelware (and that might even be too kind a term for it) and I’d be surprised if anyone had purchased it with any clue of what they were getting into.  There isn’t a drop of cleverness in the game, and every idea in it is stolen from other titles.  The only suggestion I have is to burn it – the noxious fumes and perversely colored fire arising from this act may be the most original and entertaining thing about it. 

Review Policy

In our reviews, we'll try not to bore you with minutiae of a game. Instead, we'll outline what makes the game good or bad, and focus on telling you whether or not it is worth your time as opposed to what button makes you jump.

We use a five-star rating system with intervals of .5. Below is an outline of what each score generally means:


All games that receive this score are standout games in their genre. All players should seek a way to play this game. While the score doesn't equate to perfection, it's the best any game could conceivably do.


These are above-average games that most players should consider purchasing. Nearly everyone will enjoy the game and given the proper audience, some may even love these games.


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Games that are awarded two stars are below average titles. Good ideas may be present, but execution is poor and many issues hinder the experience.


Though functional, a game that receives this score has major issues. There are little to no redeeming qualities and should be avoided by nearly all players.


A game that gets this score is fundamentally broken and should be avoided by everyone.


 

Comments

The Last Ninja

06/08/2014 at 05:56 PM

Not only is this a horrible game, but it doesn't make any sense: who thought it would be a good idea to randomly bring the Gummie Bears back after 25 years? They're from the 80s, and therefore have lost much of their relevance today! Bad bad bad idea.

Matt Snee Staff Writer

06/08/2014 at 10:09 PM

actually, it's based on the candy, not on the 80's franchise, which would have been awesome.  I remember watching that show every weekend, along with Snorks, etc. 

Alex-C25

06/09/2014 at 04:21 PM

Like Matt said, it's not based on 80s Disney Gummi Bears.

GamerFoxem

06/10/2014 at 01:54 AM

Should have been Disney's Gumi Bears. Hell, if Duck Tales got a reboot why not them?

Matt Snee Staff Writer

06/10/2014 at 04:03 AM

I know!!

Cary Woodham

06/08/2014 at 06:21 PM

I never knew about this game.  Too bad it's not based on the Disney Gummi Bears.

Matt Snee Staff Writer

06/08/2014 at 10:09 PM

my feelings exactly. 

Alex-C25

06/09/2014 at 04:22 PM

From what I see here, this seems like the worst game of the bunch.

Matt Snee Staff Writer

06/09/2014 at 05:00 PM

ha ha I don't know, but it's pretty bad!

Super Step Contributing Writer

06/18/2014 at 08:35 AM

Since I don't have the game, I decided to chop some gummi bears into a fine, crack-like powder and snort that through my nose to simulate what I imagine the experience is like. 

I honestly don't know what you're smoking, but I'd give this five stars easily. 

Matt Snee Staff Writer

06/18/2014 at 09:19 AM

ha ha, those are gonna be some sticky nostrils!

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